What is Grooming?

Grooming is when someone becomes very friendly  with a child or family to gain trust. This allows the person to be close with the child and family before they abuse the child. Acting kind and friendly while causing harm and keeping secrets  may confuse people. By doing this slowly over time, it makes it hard for someone to notice something is wrong.  People might not believe the child if they speak up. This happens in almost all cases of child sexual abuse.

Grooming can happen:

• Online.
• In the community.
• Within families.

Who May Use Grooming?

People who use grooming to control what the child or family does, thinks, or feels in a sneaky or confusing way are often part of a child’s or family’s everyday life.

They may be:

• A family member.
• A friend or neighbor.
• A coach, teacher, or caregiver.
• Someone from a club, school, or community activity.

How Does Grooming Happen?

An unsafe person may try to pick a child they can get close to. Then they act in a way that makes others think that nothing is wrong.  However, you might see warning signs that they are not respecting personal boundaries. This may be a sign that the relationship is  unhealthy or harmful.

Before abuse happens, an unsafe person may:

1. Choose a child.

The unsafe person may look for a child or family, who may seem:

• Unable to protect themselves or speak up.
• Easily controlled or isolated.
• In need of attention or support (mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.).

2. Find ways to access the child.

The unsafe person finds ways to be around the child:

• In-person (sports, school, community, family, mentoring)
• Online (games, social media, messaging apps)
• Contact that starts in person may move to phone calls, texts, or apps,  for hidden conversations or image sharing.

3. Build trust to appear caring and safe.

This allows the unsafe person to spend more time with the child and avoid raising concern. They may:

• Find shared interests with the child.
• Offer support to a family or specific child.
• Give gifts, rewards, and compliments. Online this might be “liking” or commenting on posts.
• Show special one-on-one attention.

4. Increase contact.

Over time, the type of contact may increase or change. These changes can be subtle and easy to miss even. Even someone who sees the contact might not notice what is happening. The unsafe person may:

• Push boundaries slowly. They may start with physical touch that seems harmless, such as tickling or wrestling. Then the touch may become more sexual.
• Communicate more often. Sexual topics might also be added in when talking or messaging.
• Keep families or children isolated. This keeps safe people from noticing negative behavior.

5. Use fear and manipulation.

To avoid being caught, the unsafe person may:

• Ask the child to keep secrets.
• Use guilt or blame. This may make the child feel like the abuse is their fault.
• Make threats or create fear.  The child might be threatened with getting in trouble or something unpleasant if they tell.
• Use a family’s need against them. If the unsafe person is giving physical, emotional, or financial support, the family might worry about what will happen if the support goes away.
• Use a secret to control a child. If a child shared something personal, including images, with the unsafe person, this can be a reason that a child does not tell about the abuse.

How Can Parents and Caregivers Build Safe Spaces for Children?

As a parent or caregiver, you can:

• Set boundaries. Everyone who is part of your family’s life, including your family, should know what is okay or not okay. Watch for people who don’t follow your family’s rules.
• Reinforce the boundaries. Model the boundaries by asking the child before touching them. Support them if they turn down physical contact with you or anyone else.
• Teach the difference between a secret and a surprise. Secrets can be confusing and hurtful. Surprises are fun and exciting! Eventually, surprises get shared with others. Safe people will not ask a child to keep a secret.
• Know who is around your child. When your child is at home, in the community or online, keep track of who is contacting your child. Talk to your children. Use open-ended questions to ask your child about their interactions online and in person. Stay Educated. Know the warning signs of control and boundary crossing so you can spot problems early and speak up.
• Trust your instincts. Unsafe people cause confusion on purpose. If you are confused but think something might be wrong, end contact and tell someone.

How Can You Tell if Someone is Kind or Controlling?

People who want to harm a child are good at seeming kind to keep control of the harmful situation. They make it seem like they are not the type of person who could hurt a child.

Ask yourself these questions about how a person is acting with a child or family:

• Do they act this way with all the children and families? Or do they treat one child or family in a special way?
• Are all the adults in the setting acting in the same way? Or is this person the only one?
• Are their actions in line with what is normal and expected of them and their role? For example, at an organization, everyone should follow the code of conduct.

What Should I Do if I Notice These Signs?

Our goal is always to prevent abuse before it happens. However, if you learn about or suspect sexual abuse or grooming:

1. Respond calmly. Reassure the child that what happened was not their fault. You do not need to know every detail to seek help or make a report.
2. Seek help from the police or a local emergency room if you or your child is in immediate danger. Contact the county where you live to report abuse or neglect by visiting Wisconsin Department of Children and Families.
3. Find support for healing. Ongoing mental and behavioral health services for the child and family could be beneficial. Children’s Wisconsin offers mental and behavioral health care for kids 6 months old into early adulthood. Learn more about treatment for abuse and neglect.

Children who have experienced sexual abuse may need to have a medical evaluation. A local emergency room, law enforcement, or a medical provider may refer a child and family to a Child Advocacy Center for a medical exam and support.