Setting boundaries with your kids is one of the most important parts of parenting. The world can be a scary place, especially for children. Boundaries can help protect your child from potential harm. They’re also helpful for establishing a sense of predictability that can help them feel emotionally safe, potentially preventing feelings of anxiety and depression down the road. 

Setting boundaries helps reinforce your family’s values while teaching your child key skills like impulse control, decision-making and communication through real-life experiences. 

Below, you will learn some practical ways to set boundaries with your school-aged child — and when it’s appropriate to expand your boundaries as they grow.

Explain Your Expectations 

Communication is key when it comes to boundary setting –– kids can’t follow guidelines they don’t know about. Take time regularly as a family to explain your expectations about certain topics, whether in planned family meetings or as new situations come up. When you share your expectations, it helps to explain them by connecting them to your family’s values.

For example, if your expectation is that your child wears a helmet every time they ride a bike or scooter, explain that safety is an important value in your family. When your child understands the “why” behind the rule, they may be more likely to follow them.

Be as Consistent as Possible

Enforcing boundaries is just as important as setting them. Kids learn by repetition, which means it’s important to be consistent with your expectations over time. It’s easy to allow extra screen time or late bedtime every now and then, especially during stressful times –– but budging the rules should be the exception, not the norm. 

Be especially careful not to bend the rules just because your child demands you to or has an emotional outburst. Doing so could send a message that being rude or disrespectful helps your child get their way.

Set a Positive Example 

Some guidelines should apply to everyone in the family, such as speaking to each other with kindness and respect. As a parent, you’re not only the enforcer of these boundaries, but the example of them. Do your best to model these family guidelines in front of your kids. Admit when you mess up and take time to apologize. For example, if you catch yourself speaking with a harsh tone, you could say, “I’ve had a stressful day, and I wasn’t speaking kindly to you. I’m going to try to work on it, because kindness is an important part of our family.”

Know How to Respond to Pushback 

It can be difficult to maintain boundaries when your child questions or complains about them. For example, your 10-year-old may complain about not having a smartphone if one of their friends got one for their birthday. Take these moments as opportunities to restate your family’s values. You could say, “Every family is different. In our family, safety with technology is an important priority, so we’re not getting a phone right now.” 

Along the same lines, try to make room for your child’s value in other ways. You could say, “I can see communicating with friends is important to you. What if we schedule more time to hang out with them during the week?”

Foster Independence, Too

Boundaries are important for keeping your child safe — and helping them feel safe. It’s also important to teach your child independence, especially as they get older. Certain rules, like wearing a bike helmet or seat belt, should always be enforced. But you can also revisit some boundaries as your child gets older. For example, you may allow your child to stay up later or bike alone to a friend’s house at a certain age. Flexing your boundaries when appropriate can help your child learn important lessons that will guide them through their teen and adult years. 

At Children’s Wisconsin, we understand that a child’s mental health is just as important as their physical health. That’s why we take a comprehensive, family-centered approach to care. Through our Craig Yabuki Mental Health Center, we provide specialized services to support the mental and behavioral health of children from infancy through young adulthood.