While tantrums and outbursts can be frustrating, it’s common for young children to struggle with emotional regulation. As a parent, it’s important to set boundaries around certain behaviors to make sure your child and others are safe. At the same time, it’s your role to help your child understand and work through these often-overwhelming emotions. 

With a few simple additions to your routine, you can teach your child the important skill of managing their feelings — and, hopefully, prevent frustrating behaviors. 

Teach Emotional Awareness 

One of the first steps of preventing difficult behavior is teaching your child emotional awareness. Outbursts often happen when children feel overwhelmed by big feelings, such as frustration or sadness. Helping your child name their feelings can help them feel less scary and, eventually, easier to manage. We like to say, “You have to name it to tame it!” Try to highlight the connection between your child’s behavior and the feeling behind it. For example, if your child has a tantrum when it’s time for bed, you could say, “You’re yelling at me and you’re stomping your feet. Are you angry about bedtime?”

Model Self Regulation 

Modeling is one of the most important things you can do for young children, who learn by observing. You can provide a positive example by expressing your own emotions and how you regulate them. Make an effort to communicate your feelings, which can normalize emotional ups and downs. Then, calm yourself down in front of your child. For younger children, it may help to narrate. For example, you could say, “I feel stressed that we’re running late. I’m going to take a few slow, deep breaths to help my body calm down.” Over time, your child will learn how to respond when presented with a similar situation. 

Calm Yourself Down First

It’s easy to lose your cool during a child’s outburst. But your frustration may escalate the situation. Remember: There's nothing more regulating to a child than an adult who's well regulated. Before you respond to your child’s tantrum, take a moment or two to calm yourself down. Your calmness will provide a much-needed sense of safety to your child when they feel out of control. 

Provide Options to Help Your Child Regulate 

Once you’ve dealt with your own feelings about the frustrating behavior, intervene. Start by pointing out your child’s emotion and then provide a few options for helping them manage it. When your child seems sad, you could say, “I can see you’re feeling sad. Would you like a hug, or would you like some alone time?” Depending on the situation, you may need to set a boundary first. For example, if your child is hitting you, you could say, “I can tell you’re angry right now, but it’s not okay to hit other people. Would you like to go to your room and hit your pillow instead?” 

Debrief When Everyone’s Calm

During a tantrum, it’s difficult to hear or focus on anything except the upsetting feeling. Often, it’s best to delay conversations about the behavior until you and your child are both calm. Once everyone is regulated, take some time to explain why the behavior wasn’t okay and brainstorm about other ways to react in the future. For example, you could say, “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to throw things because you could hurt someone. What are some other ways you can calm down next time?” Consider making a list or a visual chart of ideas, almost like a menu of coping skills, that your child can visit when they are upset to remind them of their tools. It is also important to practice coping tools while kids are calm so they are better able to implement them when they are escalated.

Praise Positive Behavior

While correcting unwanted behaviors is important, validation can go a long way in reinforcing healthy responses to emotions. Kids want to meet your expectations. Try to praise your child anytime they share a feeling or implement a skill to manage it — even if it’s with your help. 

Remember: Emotional regulation is a skill, and some kids develop it earlier or later than others. In the difficult moments, remind yourself that outbursts are often normal for young children. Over time, as you teach and model emotional awareness, your child will gain lifelong skills that help them manage their big feelings. 

At Children’s Wisconsin, we understand that a child’s mental health is just as important as their physical health. That’s why we take a comprehensive, family-centered approach to care. Through our Craig Yabuki Mental Health Center, we provide specialized services to support the mental and behavioral health of children from infancy through young adulthood.