As caregivers, it’s natural for us to want to boost our kids’ self confidence and help them feel good about themselves. And yet, experience tells us that we learn more from our mistakes than from our “wins.” So, is it ever appropriate to let kids win at something?

Limit the Circumstances

If your child is learning something new for the very first time and is actively trying, it’s not necessarily bad to coach them or “let” them win. Doing so can help them gain confidence as they’re learning. 

During the activity, be sure to do a lot of hands-on teaching and encourage the child to compete against themselves — not siblings, adults or other kids. This way, they’re focused on their own skill-building and not how they stack up to others. 

“Losing” Is Real Life

It’s not fair or realistic for us to always let our kids win. When a child is unaccustomed to losing and they encounter a real-life situation where they’ve lost, it can be very challenging for them to accept.

In addition, kids who are always winning at home but not with peers can develop performance anxiety where they start to doubt their skills and abilities.

Normalize Winning and Losing

It’s important to talk with your kids about how everyone wins and loses. Winning doesn’t mean someone is automatically best at something. There are many factors that play into winning and losing. Sometimes people win because they are more skilled, but sometimes it’s just chance.

Emphasize that winning or losing at something will not be life-changing for your child. Your child will have other chances.

Use real-life examples to talk with your kids about times when people have won a lot or lost a lot — use your favorite sports team or personal hero to illustrate.

Be a Gracious Winner (and Loser)

When your child does win, teach them how to be gracious. It’s very exciting to win! And be sure your child knows it’s not okay to boast, brag or make someone else feel bad about losing. Likewise, if your child loses, model for them how to accept the loss and not make excuses for why they should have won.

Encourage a Growth Mindset

Help your child find a balance between identifying their strengths AND the things they’re working on. If a child has lost at something, help them reframe the loss as, “I did my best and I can always do better by learning or practicing more.”

Having a growth mindset becomes increasingly important as kids get older and more involved in competitive activities. Getting feedback from teachers and coaches can be particularly difficult for for teens and preteens, especially at an age where comparison to others is constant.

You can help your child balance their negative thinking by reminding them of:

• Their positive attributes
  
  
• What is going well
  
  
• When they felt proud of themselves 
  
  
• That everyone has different strengths and limitations

In the long run, when your child embraces a growth mindset, they’ll build resilience. And resiliency — learning how to adapt to adversity, be flexible and recover quickly from difficulty — is one of the greatest things we can teach our kids.