Imagine if we could pack a healthy dose of confidence in our kids’ lunch box every day. It would help them instantly know how to advocate for their needs in school and navigate tricky situations with peers.
While real life isn’t that easy, we can help kids learn to stand up for themselves — a valuable skill that will serve them well throughout life. This is a great skill to work on once children are around age 7, when peer pressure starts to ramp up. It becomes even more important in adolescence.
Why It’s Important for Kids to Practice Assertiveness
As a therapist, I see many kids who struggle with confidence. This can make it more difficult to cope with peer pressure, speak up in school or navigate family dynamics. I tell kids that assertiveness is the middle ground between being passive and aggressive. It’s about finding a balance where you respect others while making your own voice heard. Standing up for yourself looks like:
- Setting boundaries when something doesn’t feel right
- Communicating assertively (using “I” statements instead of blaming others)
- Seeking help when needed
Standing up for yourself is like exercising a muscle. It’s challenging at first, but it gets easier with practice. Over time, this “confidence muscle” becomes a reliable tool that kids can use in any situation. And the benefits are worth it — it can boost self-esteem, strengthen relationships and reduce stress.
Practical Skills To Teach Your Kids
During therapy, I often share techniques to help kids and teens manage emotions and communicate effectively. But you can also practice these same techniques with kids at home. Some of my favorites for teaching assertiveness include:
1. Use Mindfulness To Stay Present and Focused
The challenge: Standing up for yourself can trigger “what if” worries that spiral into anxiety.
How to teach it:
- Practice pausing before responding and taking a deep breath.
- Use grounding techniques, like identifying three things you can see, hear and feel.
2. Manage Intense Emotions
The challenge: Standing up for yourself can bring up fear, anger or frustration.
How to teach it:
- Encourage kids to face uncomfortable conversations instead of avoiding them.
- Check the facts: Help them assess whether their fears are realistic or based on assumptions.
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3. Communicate Effectively
The challenge: You want to communicate needs and boundaries clearly without escalating conflict.
How to teach it:
- Practice “I” statements, such as “I noticed you’ve been making decisions for the group without asking me” or “I feel very hurt by the comments you make.”
- After making an “I” statement, kids should clearly state what they want or need to resolve the situation. For example, “I want to talk about this as a group before we decide” or “I need you to stop making comments about how I look.”
- Remind kids to make eye contact, stand tall and speak calmly and with confidence.
Manage Your Own Reaction
As a parent, it can be tough to hear that your child is struggling with a difficult situation. You might want to swoop in and solve the problem for them. But that’s not going to help them learn important communication and problem-solving skills. A few pointers:
- Calm yourself before reacting. Older kids often tell me they don’t feel comfortable sharing problems with their parents because they fear their parents will overreact. Focus on your breathing if you start to feel overwhelmed by your emotions.
- Validate your child’s feelings. We all just want to be heard. Whether you’re dealing with a tattling elementary schooler or an emotional teen, respond with empathy: “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated by this. Those comments would make me feel sad, too.”
- Turn it back to them. “What do you want to do about this? How can I support you?” Before you get involved, urge kids to speak up for themselves first. Encourage them with positive affirmations such as, “I know you’ve got this. Give it a try, and if you need my support, just let me know.”
- Model healthy, assertive behavior. Kids learn a lot from simply watching their parents’ actions, which can shape their own responses and habits. If you’re a “people pleaser” who struggles with boundaries, you might be modeling the opposite of what you hope your kids learn. The good news is that it’s never too late to start building your own “confidence muscle” — and you can keep working on it alongside your child.
Seek Outside Help if Needed
Kids are capable of solving many problems on their own, but when it comes to bullying or other persistent problems, adults need to get involved. Reach out to your child’s school if you have concerns. If your child continues to struggle with standing up for themselves, a therapist can help them build confidence and skills.
Children’s Wisconsin offers many resources for families who need extra support. At our primary care offices, Behavioral Health Consultants are available to address a wide variety of mental and behavioral health needs. For more urgent concerns, the Craig Yabuki Mental Health Center offers walk-in appointments in Milwaukee and Kenosha. Call (414) 266-3339 or fill out this form to connect with our access team.
