Not all best friends are forever: How to handle a friendship breakup

The tween and teen years can be a volatile time, full of emotions and sometimes, conflict. Tween and teen friendships are no exception. As your child gains independence, they’ll likely forge new, deeper relationships with their peers. Sometimes, these relationships don’t work out. If a friendship ends, sometimes referred to as a “friendship breakup,” your tween or teen may be angry, anxious or even hopeless. 

It can be difficult to watch your child struggle. Thankfully, there’s a lot you can do to support them through a friendship breakup — starting with simply acknowledging their big feelings. 

Validate their emotions

It’s easy to dismiss tween or teen conflict as immature “drama,” but a friendship breakup can trigger a wide range of overwhelming emotions in your child. Even if you don’t understand it, do your best to validate their feelings. Let them know you understand how upsetting the situation might be and that it’s okay to be sad or angry. Avoid saying things that may seem dismissive, such as “You’ll make new friends” or “Maybe it’s for the best.” If you create a safe space for your child to process their emotions now, they may be more likely to confide in you later on in higher-stakes situations. 

Normalize the experience

Conflict in relationships, and even relationships ending, is a tough but very common part of life. If you experienced something similar when you were younger, your child may find comfort in hearing about your experience. Hopefully, they’ll gain some helpful perspective too. For example, you could share that while a past friendship conflict was difficult to navigate and caused you sadness, you eventually found other supportive friends. Talk about what you learned from the experience, and most importantly, that you don’t even think about the situation now.

Understand if they don’t want to talk

As you’ve probably picked up on, sometimes tweens and teens isolate. Allow them the space they need, and don’t push them to talk. Instead, let your child know you’re there if they need to talk. They may not take you up on it, but even knowing they have a safe space can go a long way. And even though the tween may not be interested in talking, they often are still listening, and sharing your advice may be of use to them in the future

Encourage healthy coping skills

Losing a friendship can be stressful, and you may notice your child engaging in less-than-helpful behaviors, like increased isolation or screen time. Use this difficult time as an opportunity to model healthy coping mechanisms while investing in your relationship with your child. Take a walk together every day to get some exercise or do a mindfulness or deep breathing meditation together before bed.

Teach them about healthy relationships

If you saw the friendship breakup coming from a mile away, or if the friend in question wasn’t much of a friend at all, it may be tempting to tell your child moving on is a good thing. Rather than embracing this opportunity to say “I told you so,” take a beat to teach your child about healthy friendships. You could ask them how the friend made them feel, for example. Did the friend treat them with care and respect? If so, you can lead them through how to mend the friendship. If not, take some time to teach them about what to look for in a good friend, or highlight friends who are a more positive influence in your child’s life.

Know when to enlist more support

If your child is continuously struggling to make or keep friends or is persistently sad or anxious, there may be something else going on. It’s always a good idea to check in with their medical provider. Your child’s pediatrician is trained to identify signs of mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. If necessary, they can recommend additional resources, such as psychotherapy. 

Your tween or teen’s friendship breakup and other age-related struggles can be difficult to navigate. But with the right support in place, they’ll almost certainly weather the storm — along with learning some valuable life lessons on the way.

Peter Roloff, MD Pediatrician Pewaukee Pediatrics

Children’s Wisconsin has more than 20 primary care offices conveniently located throughout the Milwaukee area and southeast Wisconsin. Find a pediatrician near you.