Assertiveness, or standing up for yourself and advocating for what you need in a respectful way, is an important trait to teach kids. Learning how to be assertive helps children build safe relationships, navigate conflicts and boost self-esteem, along with promoting mental health by expressing how they feel.
But how do we guide our kids to communicate in a way that’s both respectful and self-assured? In this blog post, we’ll explore practical ways to teach children the power of assertiveness, helping them develop lifelong skills for clear, confident communication.
Explain Healthy Boundaries
Before your child can confidently practice assertiveness, they need to understand boundaries. How you explain the concept depends on the age of your child. To a younger child, you may explain that boundaries are rules that help keep us safe and happy. To an older kid, you could describe boundaries as personal limits that help them feel comfortable and respected.
Explain that boundaries can be physical, like a bubble of personal space you don’t want someone to cross. Boundaries can also be emotional, a limit someone sets to protect their feelings. Remind your child to listen to their body and their feelings so they can decide what they are and are not comfortable with. Over time, they can learn to express these things to others.
Model Assertiveness
One of the best ways to teach assertiveness to your child is by modeling it yourself. Children often learn by copying others. So if your goal is to help your child advocate for themselves, give them plenty of chances to see it in action. You can demonstrate assertiveness with your child or in front of your child. In either case, taking time to explain the situation can help reinforce it.
For example, imagine your child is upset about something, and they start hitting you. You could say, “I understand you’re upset, but I need you to stop hitting me. I’d like you to calm down in your room and come down when you’re ready to talk.” Once your child is less upset, explain how you set a physical boundary to protect yourself, then expressed it in a calm and kind way.
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Teach Them To Use “I” Statements
Fine-tune how to help your child express their preferences and needs with respect. A key component of assertive communications is “I” statements. These statements confidently express needs without placing blame on another person, which can prevent conflict.
Teach your child examples of “I statements,” such as:
- I don’t like _________.
- I need __________.
- I feel ___________ when __________.
- I don’t want to ___________.
Encourage Independent Decision-Making
Boundary-setting is essential for helping foster assertiveness in your kids. But assertive communication also applies to preferences. It’s your role as a parent to teach your child to feel comfortable making decisions or asking for what they want in different situations. For example, you could start by allowing your child to choose between two outfit options for school rather than laying out their clothes for them. Or, you could ask your child if they want to have a playdate with a friend rather than scheduling it for them. Give them positive feedback for making a decision. This helps to reinforce that their voice is important and others will listen when they have something to share.
Sometimes, teaching decision-making involves allowing your child to make the wrong decision. For example, if your child chooses to wear shorts on a chilly day, they may learn to make a different choice next time it’s cold out. Allowing your child to make mistakes, when appropriate, can help them navigate adversity and confidently make decisions in the future.
Respect Your Child’s Boundaries
Modeling assertiveness as a caregiver isn’t just about being assertive yourself. To instill healthy boundaries in your child, it’s also crucial to respect your child’s wishes when they communicate them. If you’re tickling your child, for example, always stop when they ask you to. Or, when your child tells you they don’t want to talk when they’re upset, give them space to be alone and process their feelings if needed.
Listening to your child’s needs sends a message that their boundaries are important and encourages them to do the same for others. After your child practices assertiveness, taking time to highlight what you observed and explain that you’re proud of them for sharing their needs can help reinforce the lesson.
At Children’s Wisconsin, we understand that a child’s mental health is just as important as their physical health. That’s why we take a comprehensive, family-centered approach to care. At all Children’s Wisconsin primary care offices, Behavioral Health Consultants like myself work alongside our pediatricians to support the mental and behavioral health of children from infancy through young adulthood.
