Baby announcement number one came, then two, then three. All three of my siblings were starting their families, which invited some profound reflection about how we wanted to build our own family.
IVF? IUI? Who would the donor be? Would they be a part of the child’s life? What about adoption? Would we adopt a baby? School age? Teenager? What would the challenges be? Do we have the financial and emotional resources to support a child? What if we’re not actually cut out to be parents? We’d want to keep the child’s first family in the picture if we adopted … Wouldn’t it be great if we could just co-parent with the first family? Create a village and extend our family’s branches to include other family members, too. Wait … What about foster care??
So, it began. We signed up for an informational meeting, and started deep-diving into everything we could to learn more about foster care and what it could look like to become foster parents ourselves. We read books, found social media accounts to follow and investigated Facebook groups to try to gain some insight.
But the best way to learn was from firsthand accounts. We were surprised to find that several people in our existing social circles either had connections to other foster parents or had experience fostering themselves. We met up with old friends and made new ones along the way, trying to get every perspective — the challenges, the rewards and everything in between.
After attending the virtual informational meeting, we took about a month to continue reflecting on the decision. It is not one we made lightly. We recognized the responsibility and the impact we would have as foster parents. Still a little nervous, we decided, “Let’s just start the application process. We can always change our mind before actually accepting a placement.”
And so we did. And it was A LOT of paperwork. In some ways, it felt like we were buying a house again! We had to fill out an application, complete some lengthy questionnaires, provide proof of our identities, insurance, employment, income. We had to have our primary care providers sign off that we were in good health and able to care for children, and ensure our pets were all up to date on all their vaccines as well. We had people who know us well serve as our references, and they were sent some paperwork to complete about us.
Then there was the training. Some training sessions happened virtually, in real time, with other foster parents who were in the licensing process. This was a great opportunity to connect with others in the community. Other trainings were self-paced modules online.
We weren’t done yet! Our home needed a little attention, too, to make sure it met all of the safety standards. This included adding a few extra smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, obtaining a fire extinguisher, mapping out our fire escape plan, locking up lighters, alcohol, cleaning products and anything else that could potentially be dangerous for kids and making sure our bathroom doors had locks that could be opened from the outside in case of emergency.
We needed to prepare an inviting space for our future kiddo(s), too, of course We converted our guest bedroom to the kids’ room, switching out a queen bed for twin bunk beds, painting the walls a more neutral color, adding a desk and a dresser and just a few simple, neutral decorations.
But wait! There’s more! We had several meetings with our licensing worker:
- Meeting #1: Paperwork. So. Much. Paperwork. Our licensing worker had mailed us a packet of everything we’d need to complete, then walked us through it all in our first virtual meeting together.
- Meeting #2: More paperwork! By this time, we had collected some of the documents we needed to present to our licensing worker and did so virtually. We also had a chance to ask questions, talk through any concerns and get a thorough overview of what to expect next.
- Meeting #3: The couples interview. During this meeting, our licensing worker asked us all kinds of questions about our relationship, about our daily and weekly routines, our values, as well as some situational questions to get to know what our home environment and parenting styles are like.
- Meetings #4 & #5: Individual interviews. Amongst all of the paperwork were individual questionnaires that we each filled out and sent back in. These asked about our personal backgrounds, relationships, habits, values, etc. These individual interviews were an opportunity to discuss these responses further and for our licensing worker to get to know us better as individuals.
- Meeting #6: The final walkthrough. Our licensing worker came to our home to tie up loose ends and walk through our home to ensure that all of the licensing safety standards had been met. It was at this time that we confirmed final details about what kinds of placements we felt comfortable accepting (age, gender, race, religion, location, etc.).
Once this final meeting was completed, our caseworker put together a “home study” that essentially gives a synopsis of who we are and what our home is like to be used to help identify good matches for children needing out-of-home care. That was then submitted for final approval, and once approved, we were officially licensed!
Sound overwhelming? It was, at first. It was easy to convince ourselves that everything had to be done right away, and all at once. After all, there is such a strong need for foster families. But there is time. Getting licensed is indeed a process, and there is plenty of time all along the way to take care of each of these tasks. Not to mention support from the team at Children’s Wisconsin. Our licensing worker, Sarah, was always so great about answering our questions and keeping us on task with what needed to come next in the process. In a way, the whole licensing process is like “nesting,” getting ready for the little loves that will eventually join your family for a little while.
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From the time we started the application process to the time that we received our license was about six months. This afforded us plenty of time to prepare our home, prepare our minds and prepare our loved ones for the journey to come. We made sure to let our close friends and families know that we were on this journey and shared some of what we were learning with them along the way. They had plenty of questions, and we were able to have some great conversations with them to both prepare for the road ahead and to help challenge some common misconceptions about foster care.
We had read about other experiences when new foster families were called for placements immediately upon licensure, so we had a feeling that something like that might happen to us. Especially because we were open to a wider range of ages we were willing to accept. Sure enough — it did!
We had decided on 6 weeks to 12 years old as the age range we’d be comfortable taking. The idea of teenagers was a little intimidating. The day we learned our license had been approved, we got that first call. And it was for a teenager. A 14-year-old girl. 14!? It was a little outside our range, so we were nervous. We had a list of questions prepared to ask before making a decision – Does she have siblings? Where does she go to school? Does she have any medical or behavioral needs we should be aware of? What about allergies? Does she do okay with animals? Just to name a few.
In our particular situation, we had the opportunity to have a couple of “pre-placement” visits to make sure it was a good fit. This is not always the case with foster care. But, in our case, it helped us to feel more comfortable with saying “yes.” So, we agreed to proceed with the pre-placement visits. The teen had a day off from school, and we took a day off from work so we could spend the day together and get to know each other.
We were all so nervous. This was a brand-new experience for us. And this teenager, we knew, was probably feeling pretty nervous, too. She and her caseworker came to the door, and our adventure officially began. Our pets took to her immediately — an amazing sign. We showed her around our home, had some lunch, played games and took a trip to the pumpkin patch. The day flew by and we were able to get a good feel for how we could all fit together.
The initial plan was to have a second pre-placement visit before confirming the change of placement, but we all felt pretty certain after that first visit that this would be a good fit. Fast forward a few months, and we could not be happier with how our foster care experience has panned out so far. We recognize that it’s still early and there will likely still be challenges ahead. But we are so incredibly blessed to be able to know and share life with our foster teen. We have found several shared hobbies and interests to engage in together, and we have some great conversations. Our friends and family adore her and have welcomed her warmly into our world. And one of the most beautiful surprises? It’s not just our teen that we get to develop this connection with — it’s her mom, her twin, her siblings and their foster families, her friends, her teachers, her caseworker … our world has grown so much by opening our home for foster care.
Now, reflecting back, we can’t believe we were so hesitant about accepting a teenager. We have the best kiddo and love to brag about how amazing she is. We hope more families will consider sharing their love and their homes with youth who are in need — especially teens!
