What matters most: Married or single, love is all you need in foster care

My name is Shanika Wilder and I have been fostering for more than 10 years. And yes, I have been doing it alone. 

By “alone” I mean I'm not married. But I do have support from other family members. When I first thought about fostering, I thought, "They’re not going want me to be a foster mom, I don’t have a husband." I always thought a happy, healthy family consisted of two people. But we all know that is not reality. 

I have friends and family who make it work as single parents. When I set out on this journey of fostering, I was looking for ways to enhance my career and get the experiences I will need to run a group home for teens. I have a passion for helping and giving back as much as I can. 

I also knew I didn’t have a lot of money, but that my heart was bigger than any of those things can count for. Once I took the stigma out of my head and remembered God had a calling for me to be involved in these precious kiddos' lives, I knew right away with my first placement that I was doing what I was set to do. 

That first placement, which of course is always scary, showed me I didn’t need a husband. These kids are removed from their homes and in that moment all they care about is what are you going to do for them.  And you are there to provide love and support. I think the majority of the time that is what matters the most. They want to feel secure and loved. One person, for sure, can provide that. 

After I thought I got over the stigma of having to be married to foster, I was then approached to adopt the girl I had been fostering. This little girl, who was 3 years old at the time, came into my life two days after she was born. My mind immediately went back to those thoughts. “I can't do this.” “How can I adopt if it’s just me?” “I need to be married.” How ironic. 

After speaking with friends, family and co-workers, they all assured me, “Shanika you have been doing this now for three years.” 

They were right. I had been doing it for three years. But, in my mind, I was giving her all the love and support she needed until she was able to go home. 

It took me two weeks to decide to adopt her. I realized I had been doing it the whole time. I knew this was a long-term decision that was going to change my life and that little girl's life. But once I sat down and thought about it, I knew who I was as a person. I knew I wanted to give and do amazing things for people. And in that moment, I was doing something amazing. And my little girl is now 10 years old. 

When you know where your heart is and you’re doing it for good reason, everything else just makes sense. I now realize my heart is so big it’s almost equivalent of two people. 

So to answer your question, no, you don’t have to be married or have a significant other to become a foster parent. Do it for all the right reasons and be ready to pour out love and support to the kiddos. That’s what matters most. 

Learn how you can be part of the story and become a foster parent here.