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Death, they say, is part of life. But for a child, when they lose a pet, a parent, a grandparent, a neighbor or a friend, they may process their grief differently than an adult would. As your child's caretaker, it's important you understand how to address their needs during these difficult times.
Especially if you're also processing your own grief, it can be difficult to know how to talk about death with your child or understand changes you see in their behavior. Though the grief journey looks different for everyone, knowing how to help your child through the death of a loved one will ensure they process the event in a healthy way.
The first conversation you have will likely be the one in which you share news of the death. While breaking this news is incredibly difficult, it's important to be honest and give your child space to react.
Immediately after learning of a new death, kids are likely to have many questions. They may also express new worries, like worrying that their parents are going to die or worrying that they are going to die. They also may have an emotional expression, like crying or yelling. Create time to talk and acknowledge their feelings, answer their questions and discuss their fears.
All children are unique, and they all react differently to different emotional situations. Grief also doesn't follow a timeline or schedule, so it's perfectly normal for a child to not have any reaction initially and show evidence of processing the death later on. Because kids have different cognitive thinking abilities at different ages, how they process grief might also look different depending on their age.
Changes in behavior and increased feelings of sadness are to be expected as a result of grief at any age. Any extreme changes in behavior, like signs of depression, drug or alcohol use or suicidal thoughts, need to be addressed with a mental health professional right away. But it's normal for other changes in behavior to last for a while as the child processes their grief.
As with any death, the first year can be particularly challenging as you reach "first" milestones (like a first holiday without that person or their first birthday in which they aren't alive to celebrate). Especially during the first six months when grief is the most raw, it's okay to give your child grace and understanding if they're behaving differently.
Kids will return to normal functioning eventually, but it's important to be patient and nurturing as kids work through their grief. Other things you can do to help a child process their grief are:
It's important to keep in mind that everyone processes their emotions differently and grief can look very different for kids based on their personality. As you can, give your child what they need. It's okay to take it a little easy and allow behaviors that you normally wouldn't for a little while.
However, if after about six months, your child doesn't return to somewhat normal functioning or if they're still experiencing pretty significant nightmares, depression, anxiety, school refusal or risky behavior, it could be a good time to reach out to your child's pediatrician to speak with a behavioral health consultant for more support.
Children's Wisconsin also offers a variety of grief services for both staff and families from counseling and support groups to workshops and camps. More information can be found online or by contacting the grief services team at (414) 337-4250 or griefsupport@childrenswi.org.
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